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  • Jillian Rose

I'm a Mermaid

I just don't have the great mermaid hair or mermaid tail.



I know. I look f*cking beautiful. You'd swipe right so fast on Bumble or Hinge that you wouldn't even check to see if I'm sober or a raging alcoholic (it's closer to the latter).


If you were cool and read this post, you know I got a stress fracture in my right foot and had to wear one of those big boot things. Left with no physical activity options other than "upper body strength" which I'm really not keen on given that I'm not a body builder, I was left with one option as an insurance policy against getting morbidly obese: swimming.


I wasn't excited about this. The last time I got in a pool to swim for exercise and without any alcohol was my freshman year of high school. Let's just say I wasn't exactly the *star* of the swim team. Actually, I was usually placed in Lane 6. It's the slow lane. So needless to say, when swimming became my only choice of physical activity, I had severe flashbacks of Coach Matt barking in my face to swim faster after three hours of a gazillion laps. Sorry bro, I'm tired.


Back to January 2020. I decided I'd get into this swimming thing like a professional. I got the swimsuit, I got the goggles, I did get a swim cap, although I'm not posting a photo of me wearing it because it just looks like there's a pink condom on my head. The first two times in the pool were brutal. I was B-O-R-E-D. Stroke, stroke, oh, wall, turn around now. No scenery. No view of a beautiful sunset as I ran along the bike path through Venice. No music. Silence. What the hell could I POSSIBLY discuss with myself for 60 minutes as I tried to stroke, stroke, stroke, breathe?! Trust me, I know I don't find myself that interesting or entertaining enough to have a conversation with self for an hour.


Then it dawned on me. Can you listen to music under water? Guess what. You can. Because Amazon told me so and convinced me to spend $79.99 on an underwater MP3 player, so... shit better work. A few technical difficulties and screaming obscenities later, I got it to work! The next time I got in the pool, I still hated it, but just less so. That's a win in my book.


Something funny as the weeks passed. The mushiness in my stomach that had started to appear due to all the weeks of being not nearly as active as usual... melted. I didn't have an intimidating 6-pack by any means, but I could have pulled off a crop top. My legs even slimmed down a bit. I've always had a thing about my legs being fat and full of cellulite. Well, in Los Angeles, if your skin isn't silk smooth and requires a clothing size larger than a 2, you are fat and full of cellulite.


At this rate... I'd have a summer body back!


Too bad the universe was laughing in my face. And not just in my face. We were gearing up for unprecedented hell. Mermaid days were numbered, although I barely knew it.

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