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  • Jillian Rose

I'm Not the Leadership Queen. And That's Okay.

I was trying to fall asleep on a Sunday night, with my mom’s dog curled at my feet. But I couldn’t help but entertain this nagging thought.


I’m not meant to be a leader.



What leader would admit to being a psycho bunny now?

Thoughts of what feels like lifetimes ago, that time when I sold insurance (or as my friends like to say, was in a 'cult'), often creep into my consciousness completely unexpectedly. Sometimes, it’s the warm thoughts of awards, glory of winning shoes, simply being the sales star that cross my mind. But usually, it’s thoughts that for some reason, I am not enough. I am not enough because I wasn’t hard working enough or talented enough or strong enough to lead essentially an army of mini sales people to follow a vision I had digested from the leadership above me.


When I “quit,” or as I like to say, moved onto a new opportunity, I felt immense amounts of guilt for “not making it.” I was a “failure.” However, this never occurred to me: I fell into a profession that provided an uncompromisable amount of sales training that I am always grateful for. But guess what, that particular path was not going to be my road to fortune and fame.


Why?


I didn’t listen to that little voice inside me. The one that used to wake me up in the middle of the night and say, “What are you doing, you 25 year old brunette who doesn’t yet worry about botox?” Actually, I didn’t say that. Because as a 34 year old writing this, I’m only reflecting on what I should have said to 25 year old self. (I probably need Botox but have an intense fear of needles...)


But I digress, per usual.


Anyway. I wasn’t born a leader. I wasn’t president of student council or homecoming queen. I wasn’t the social chair of my sorority in college. I didn’t organize the rage parties when I lived in Tel Aviv (I have plenty of contacts who can hook you up if you are traveling).


So what I do is...create. I take words and arrange them just so that when you read them, you (hopefully) escape whatever bullshit problems the world has thrown at you. Because sometimes you don’t want a leader. Or a fire lit under your ass. Sometimes you just want to be entertained. Or moved in some sort of way.


So to those who think "management" and "leadership" is the only way to "make it" in this world, that's okay. That's in your world.


All I know is, there's more than one path in this world. And I'll find mine.




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